Not my favorite vacation...

This vacation has been more stressful for me than our normal weeks. I'm stuck in a tourist trap. We're in Sigatoka which is in the middle of nowhere. Everything around here is touristy and rediculously expensive. The salespeople in the market and city are more agressive than anywhere I have ever been. They will follow you trying to get you to go to their shop. Prices will change with their mood and everything looks like something you'd find in a dollar store. Everything I want to do is REALLY expensive or at least a 2 hour drive...but car rentals and taxi's are really expensive, and the bus would take twice as long. So basically I could do 4 hours there, 4 back, but when I would get there, I'd need to find a taxi there to take me wherever. So it's so much effort and nobody wants to go through that, so either I have to go alone or not at all. I have spent so much time and effort trying to find things to do, and everything is minimum 60 bucks a person, so we just sit around and our rooms are small, so there is no personal space. Our "hot water" lasts 10 seconds then it falls to a trickle...litterally a trickle. We're on the beach, but the tide is so dangerous that when we went out this morning (...we were waist deep on the coral...) they sent a ski doo after us to tell us to go back to the hotel. So i'm stuck in a tourist trap...and basically if I want to do anything everyone else is "too tired" "not in the mood" or would rather sit around and watch tv. Everyone always sits on my bed to watch tv too. So when I go to bed at night my bed is dirty because nobody wears shoes anymore. So basically I'm irritated and tired of this team right now. Oh and there is only one computer with the internet for all the hotels on the beach, so someone wants to use it. It's 6 bucks an hour, but it's 12 an hour in town. I need to be polite, i've had 30 minutes. Pray that I find a way of resting...right now I'm so bored and stressed and irritated that I can't express it. I will see you all soon. I love and miss you all.

Ear Infection!

I found out yesterday morning that I have an ear infection! I'm on medication, but I have found that chewing gum helps more than anything. However, the good news is that the doctor (Sofia) and her husband will join us on our vacation later next week, so when my ear should be better, I can have a check up! So please pray for my ear.

Today we leave Lautoka for vacation for a week! I am really excited that we finally get a break...however I am REALLY sad that I won't be able to take pictures. I didn't budget for a vacation either, so I hope I'll have enough to do fun things and buy souveniers. A few people are talking about going sky diving! (Yes mom, I want to go...No dad, I don't have the money) We're trying to get a local discount or somthing...oh and they're going to try to find a place to feed the sharks! (Yes brooke, I want to go...No TJ, I can't go underwater that deep with an ear infection.) I am tempted to try to buy a camera just so I can take pictures, but if I spend all my money on a camera, I won't have anything to take pictures of. So pray for me to find things that are fun and will help me relax and rejouvenate, because I am emotionally and spiritually exhausted.

NO more PICTURES!

My camera broke yesterday. The lens is stuck and I tried to take it apart, but I can not fix it without proper tools. I didn't drop it, nobody abused it, I had taken a picture, and then out of the blue it stopped working. It has been acting up(I think there might be some sand in the camera...it has been making a funny noise every now and then), but it finally just stopped. I have taken thousands of pictures so far, and other people will have cameras...but not me. It should be fixable once i'm back in the states, but apparently there are no camera shops "in fiji" but someone said we might find someone in Suva...4-6 hours away... I will post some pictures once I can gather them.

As far as the spiritual burden goes, it is not gone, nor has it been lifted, but it has become a little more bearable. But things keep happening (Big and small) to toy with my sanity. I know that I am in God's hands, yet last night I was overwealmed with fear and anxiety. Keep praying that I am able to understand what He's trying to teach me. He has been speaking clearer than ever...yet I feel like there is more junk that needs to come out of my ears in order to truly hear clearly. Keep praying.

Back to Lautoka

I arrived Fiji safe and sound, but my last few days have been quite the roller coaster ride. While I was in Kona, I was told that one of my biggest strongholds (spiritual weaknesses that I am vulnerable to) is fear that leads to apathy...and for the first time ever, I experienced that in full force! I have no idea why i was so scared...so being scared made me more afraid...and the fear compounded until I was so scared that I cared about nothing. It is hard to find alone time...especially since the building is required to always be locked(to prevent intruders). God has made it clear that I am to be here now, and my (limited) alone time has been good. I have had a few people pray over me(and many more unknown praying for me) and God has spoken comforting words to me....well....more comforting than not. Basically He has told me that He is going to smooth out my anxiety, not take it away(whatever that means).

Good news on my health though: I was working at a medical clinic yesterday and today, and yesterday at the end of the day, I went to get my ear checked out, and she pulled out the largest piece of earwax i have ever seen! I was going to post a picture, but it was way grosser than my pink eye. So she flushed my ear out with warm water for a while and it gradually loosened and came out. This was why i have been getting dizzy, why I have had headaches, why i was having trouble hearing and why my ear made noise like a speaker cutting out from time to time. The medicine is really strong and makes me REALLY drowzy, yet I woke up just fine, so no hangover(as was expected).

thanks for the prayers...it's truly a battle in my mind right now...pray that I have the endurance to fight and not be too tired to love at the end of the battles.

Leaving for Fiji

My heart is heavy again. I only have 10 minutes left online, so I will do my best to explain. I have very much enjoyed my time here and the freedom allowed. The people are amazing and once you get past their initial shyness, they are a giving and loving people. I have had my own hard times that most of you don't know about, but it was these times that made me draw closer to God...and the alone time at the beach has helped enormously! I found God on the beach at night here, and almost daily had revelations in my walks that would go from 30 minutes to 3 hours. However, I return to the city of Lautoka, Fiji tomorrow. No more walks at night because they lock the building at 8pm(?...it keeps changing) and because it's in the city. My heart's burden is only heavier due to my sudden loss of freedom to have my alone time. I know that God is teaching me something, but I don't know what yet. My desire is to follow where He leads, and my burdens have only gotten heavier. I need prayer that I can have my alone time in Fiji and that my heart will be set free from this burden somehow. I trust God knows what He's doing, but I am still scared because my heart is so tender and vulnerable. Pray that I have discernment and wisdom in my actions. I love you all.

Day of rest...

Thank you all for your prayers and support. Sometimes I wonder if people even read my blog besides the 4 of you who normally reply...it is very encouraging to hear that my ramblings have blessed some of you...your prayers blessed me yesterday. For those of you who have been reading my blog, you know that I had been begging for a day off, and hadn’t got one…and once God had given me the rest that I had been begging for, it POURED down rain SO bad that we couldn’t do any ministry and yesterday we had basically just for praying and journaling and playing games with our team. It was amazing. Our morning activities these last two weeks have been a school for the kids in the village who can't afford to go to school, and afternoons has been going door to door, and last weekend was a "revival"ish thingie. But yesterday we had SO much rain. Not only that, but we had buckets and bowls all around our little shed to catch the water comming through the roof. It was funny until all our stuff was wet and the power shorted...I'm still laughing about it though. The rain made it so that we couldn't do our ministries as normal, and then just before dinner time, it cleared up and I went to my beach again for 2 1/2 hours and just walked down until I went around the point and then saw part of the sunset peering out between the rainclouds and listened to the ocean as God continued to sing to me.

I have been realizing more and more how when I refuse to surrender anything, it proves my lack of trust in Him. He is GOOD by nature. "God is Good." Yet, when I do not surrender something, my actions say "but I am better..." So as I sat there, I wrote things in the sand that God wants me to surrender, and then His powerful waves came up and washed the sand clean...just as it was before I wrote the words down. It is the same with us. When we surrender something, it is washed away completely, and only when we rewrite it in the sand does it need to be washed away again. So this old lesson was a good reminder that God is so eager to wash us clean. I just don't know what I am going to do when I move back to Fiji next week...I love the beach here, and in Fiji, we will be in the city and no more alone time...pray for me for that.

Learning to worship...

I have become accustomed to going to the beach at night to pray. Living in quarters as small with so many people makes it difficult for me to concentrate while I pray. I have tried doing a quiet time on the beach in the morning, but whenever we walk around during daylight hours, we are followed. Sometimes it is by little kids that don’t speak English, so it is just difficult to know what they want. So my quiet times have been at night on the beach when it is dark because then people are intimidated by the “creepy guy on the beach.” My prayers have been a little different too. I always open the door to God, close the door to Satan, and then tell God that I will obey whatever He tells me to do, and I will pray for whoever He brings to mind, and I will talk with Him about whatever perks my interest…keeping in mind Philippians 4:4-13. (if you don’t know it, look it up!!!)

This last week I felt like God told me to put my guitar down for a while. It has been a little difficult for me to worship, because it has been a growing part of my life. As I was at the beach last night, I had an interesting conversation with God about worship. It started with talking about how long I am going to go without playing guitar. He asked me “If you were dating someone and the only nice thing you ever did for her was write her songs and sing love songs…how would she feel? Wouldn’t she get bored with them after a while?” Then I understood that although music is good and helpful, worship is FAR more than just music. It is not even what I thought it was.

I always played the role of the seeker and pursuer in my songs. It only made sense to me. I am the male…I am to play the role of the male. The man is to pursue his love until she will receive him. His job is to prove his love, and to show that his love is real, because she doubts his sincerity. He is to be persistent, displaying over and over again until she lets her guard down and allows him in her heart. It was at that time that God showed me that I had it backwards this whole time. WE are the bride of Christ! HE PURSUES US!!! It is not our job to seek Him out, nor to prove our love. He doesn’t expect us to pursue Him. SO OFTEN we talk about how we found God and not how God found us! He has been seeking us out this whole time!

So worship has to begin with listening to His love song over us. We will not hear this song unless we are still…thus it says “Be still and know that I am God!” He is trying to sing to us. We overlook His songs to us too often. But EVERY sunrise, every sunset, every cloud and star, from the tiniest of organisms to the largest of mountains, he uses all that He has made to serenade us with His songs. This creation is His love song to us…but when we walk away in the middle of His song, we do not need to fret, because just as anyone who is in love, He will continue to sing to us until we acknowledge Him and listen to His love song.

Some songs he sings daily, like the sunrise and the sunset, other songs he sings in season, like the colors of fall, or the fragrance of spring. Regardless of what song He is singing, we need to realize that He will not quit singing ever…EVER! Once we hear these songs, all the worries and burdens of the world fade away. All our hopes and dreams melt into the desire of knowing God. We do not need to try to convince God to fall in love with us. Our job is not to romance God, but to listen to God as he romances us!

After we hear this song, we respond like any bride would respond to her loving husband who expresses his love to her. She doesn’t need to say “Give me a little while before I respond to you.” NO! She runs to his arms and expresses her emotions right then and there! Of course there will come a time where she does something in response to this love. But so often we have the mentality that when the music isn’t any good, worship is “bad” or “we don’t get anything out of it.” Well NEWSFLASH: Worship is NOT FOR YOU!!! If you have to discipline yourself to worship, you’re not listening to His song. Worship will naturally happen as a response to His love for us. If you have not had this revelation, continue to pray and ask God to sing you His song.

I have not had a day off yet, and I have not had my rest yet. We’ve been doing a school in the mornings and going door to door in the afternoons and bible studies in the evenings…so despite my lack of sleep, He has been granting me rest as I walk in the dark on the beach. So your prayers continue to change my life. I have been praying for God to reveal His love to me…and it became so obvious that I was shutting Him up in my attempt to hear Him. He wants us to just sit and be with Him. He wants to hear about my day, to catch my tears, hear my silly songs, and hear my inside jokes. So I hope and pray that you can stop long enough to hear this love song.